


Sex in the Wizarding World

by vegetasbubble



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drug Refrences, F/M, Mild Language, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-03
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:43:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vegetasbubble/pseuds/vegetasbubble
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Instead of going into politics or working for the Ministry like most of her friends and classmates, Hermione Granger instead becoming a journalist for the Daily Prophet and instead of cultural essays a different topic is chosen by the young witch- sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex in the Wizarding World

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the relationship of Carrie Bradshaw and “Big” from Sex in the City. Hope this is very much enjoyed. Written for the 2011 dramione_remix @ livejournal. NOTE: Will include some quotes from the series, such as Carrie’s columns or some lines.

_Once upon a time, an American witch moved to England to look for love. Helen was attractive and bright and right away she hooked up with one of the country’s typically eligible bachelors. Gregory was 42. A well-liked and respected Ministry member who made about 2 million a year….They met one evening in typical London fashion at a Ministry ball that Helen had been invited too because of the generous amount of money she had donated. It was love at first sight. For 2 weeks they snuggled……went to romantic restaurants……had wonderful sex, and shared their most intimate secrets. One warm spring day he took her to a town house he saw in Sundays ‘Daily Prophet.’ That day Gregory popped the question. On Tuesday he called with some bad news. When she hadn’t heard from him for 2 weeks she called. He said he was up to his ears and that he’d call her the next day. She told me one day over coffee that he never called back. Then I realised no-one had told her about the end of love in England. Welcome to the age of “uninnocence”. No one has ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’, and no one has ‘Affairs to Remember’…Instead we have breakfast at 7am, and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible. Self-protection and closing the deal are paramount. Cupid has flown the co-op. How the hell did we get into this mess?_  
  
  
  
“Hermione, this is good. This is very good. Great that it’s near Valentine’s day as well. So many heartbreaks,” said thirty-four year old Poppy Johnston, the witch in charge of the Daily Prophet’s gossip section, blowing smoke above her head from her cigarette. “Probably your best work ever actually.”  
  
“Thanks Poppy,” replied Hermione, nervously moving in her chair – careful not to scuff her red Jimmy Choo Cosmic python platform pumps on Poppy’s hardwood floor- wondering if checking her latest article (which wasn’t even finished yet) was the main reason she had called her in. “It’s still got a way to go yet. I haven’t even started talking about the average cost a person spends on a pair of shoes.”  
  
Poppy laughed and put her feet up on her desk revealing a pair of Jimmy Choo Perfect metallic wedge suede sandals. Hermione grinned and relaxed a little. “So, you’re probably asking why I asked you here, huh?”  
  
“Yeah, actually, I was.” Poppy grinned and hopped up, showing off her Topshop Dress. Ever since Hermione had gone on her year long vacation to America seeking out all the greatest designers by staying in New York, the witches and even wizards had taken a greater pride in their appearance, instead of just wearing robes all the time. “So, there’s this businessman that we want an interview from. Calls himself Big to all the major magazines. Though no one can get a full on interview with him. You’re that girl.”  
  
“Uh...excuse me?” Hermione asked, “H-How am I supposed to get him to talk to me?”  
  
“Easy, we set up a meeting. He meets you, see’s your wonderful charm and gives you the interview that ten other papers are looking for. It will be an easy five thousand for you when you get the interview.”  
  
Hermione smiled. That money would buy a lot of shoes. Poppy obviously guessed what she was thinking as she had just said, “I hear those cutout lace-up boots by Alexander Wang are selling out... Just a thought.” Hermione stood up and held her hand out to Poppy to shake.  
“You got a deal. Send me the details?” Poppy nodded and said “You’ll have them by the end of the week. Thanks for this Hermione.”  
  
Hermione smiled and soon left Poppy’s office (promising to return to give her the finished article for that week), shoving the papers into her Loubouton studded leather and denim bag and making her way out of the building.  
  
The cool February air hit her cool arms and Hermione shivered. Hermione checked her watch and noticed it was almost noon.  
  
“Fuck,” she said, and started making her way down the street to a close cafe, Iwizard, a technological savvy cafe with all the high end tech from the Muggle world. She was going to meet her best friends, Ginny Potter (‘nee Weasley), Luna Lovegood and Pansy Parkinson (after some very drunken nights together) at the cafe for drinks.  
  
Ten minutes later Hermione sat at the table with the three other powerful women.  
  
  
  
  
 _Ginny Weasley, my oldest girlfriend from school, was a wealthy woman who had to do nothing. She was married to The Boy Who Lived- Harry Potter and was currently pregnant with their first child. Ginny had insisted that she keep her job at Hogwarts as the new librarian but Harry had convinced her to stay home – and her new shoe collection helped a little. Now she loved her stay-at-home-mom-to-be life while she stood beside the greatest man of the new age.  
  
Luna Lovegood was the weird girl who started her own fashion line. I can’t help but wonder how many of you have her blue shoes or red scarves in your wardrobe. Luna lives with three men – all whom she sleeps with on a regular basis- don’t ask me why. I call her a slut she just smiles.  
  
Pansy Parkinson, what was there to say there? She hated me at school and the feeling was very well repeated. But at the end of our seventh year at a very drunken night party held in the Slytherin dorms, Pansy and I snogged under the influence of alcohol. I’m not a lesbian and either is Pansy- she’s one of the horniest people I have ever met and has sex with a different guy every week. But that kiss ended our rivalry and started our friendship._  
  
  
  
“Oh my god, I have to tell you about my night,” Pansy said, as she blew smoke above her head. “I met this guy at the pub right. Went straight over to him and told him he was hot.”  
  
  
“And?” asked Ginny, rubbing her now very pregnant belly.  
  
“Half an hour later he was fucking me so hard I had died,” Pansy replied, grinning widely. “I tell you, I have never had an orgasm as hard as the one I had last night.”  
  
“I can’t remember my last orgasm,” Ginny said, pouting.  
  
“Baby, you have no idea,” Pansy stated, smiling.  
  
Ginny and the others laughed and Hermione finally told them about her newest assignment.  
“So, his name is Big?” asked Luna, “I’ve heard of him. Very powerful businessman. But he never gives his identity away in interviews. Usually blindfolds the person interviewing him.”  
  
“Well as long as he has a sexy voice,” added Pansy.  
  
“Pansy, this is an assignment. The guy is probably about 50...”  
  
“What, you wouldn’t do a 50-year-old?” Pansy asked, taking another drag of her cigarette.  
  
“Hell no. Pansy, I’m only twenty-two. That would be so wrong.”  
  
“Oh please, I’ve seen you looking at those American actors.”  
  
“Yeah, but there’s a difference between looking and actually doing something!  
” Hermione replied, getting frustrated.  
  
“Please, if I had the chance to fuck an old guy and get something in return, I would so go.”  
  
Luna smiled and said “I had my first anal experience last night.”  
  
“Oh God,” Hermione groaned, hiding her face behind her hands.  
  
“It was magical,” Luna whispered, “The way they touched me and made me feel so alive.”  
  
“I have to go,” Hermione said, sipping the last of her tea and gathering her things. “I have to finish my article. I’ll leave you ladies to your anal conversation.” Pansy seemed very involved in Luna’s story while Ginny looked slightly nauseous.  
  
  
  
 _There are thousands, maybe tens of thousands of women like this in the city. We all know them and we all agree they’re great. They travel, they pay taxes, they’ll spend $400 on a pair of Minolo Blahnik strappy sandals and they’re alone. It’s like the riddle of the Sphinx. Why are there so many great-unmarried women, and no great-unmarried men? Was it true? Were women in NY really giving up on love and throttling up on power? What a tempting thought. Neville Longbottom was one of my closest friends. He was the owner of bar down in Diagon Alley called His Knees. Neville was very openly gay and had come out at age nineteen after a very failed attempt and trying to keep his Spanish lover, Hullio, a secret. Hullio was a muggle, knew nothing about Neville’s wizard skills but was just in it for the sex. As was Neville. Myself and my ex caught them in the act. Neville had been sitting on a toilet bowl, Hullio’s lips around his- well, you get the picture. That was the night I slept with my ex- Ron Weasley. Neville called me an idiot because I kept going back to him (three times is not that many) and that I must still have feelings. But I didn’t. It was true, I no longer felt a thing for Ron. After all these years I finally saw him for what he was: a self-centred, withholding creep who was still the best sex I ever had in my life. However I did have a little experiment in mind. Ron was just like I remembered, better because this time there would be none of that messy emotional attachment. As I began to get dressed, I realized that I’d done it. I’d just had sex like a man. I left feeling powerful, potent and incredibly alive. I felt like I owned this city. Nothing and no-one could get in my way._  
  
  
  
Hermione made her way out of her small apartment, locking the door behind her, and walked down the cobblestone alley that linked her apartment building to the main street of Diagon Alley.  
  
She had changed her outfit (why let people you had already seen that day see you in the same outfit when you can make a statement by changing?) into a Valentino open-knit cotton-blend tank dress and Quilted-leather ballerina flats and carried a white Marni suede satchel with her finished article inside.  
  
Hermione checked her watch- four thirty which meant that she had to get back to the office in fifteen minutes before the doors locked.  
  
Holding onto her bag, she made her way down the main street towards the Daily Prophet building.  
The entire time she was walking down the street her next article was already starting in her head, after thinking about what Pansy spoke about earlier- meaningless sex.  
  
  
  
 _Did all men secretly want their women promiscuous and emotionally detached? And if I was really having sex like a man why didn’t I feel more in control? Suddenly I felt the wind knocked out of me. I wanted to crawl under the covers and go right to sleep._  
  
  
  
Sleeping with Ron again two weeks ago had been a very bad, drunken mistake. So much so that she had cut all ties with him and hadn’t spoken to him since.  
  
“We're so over we need a new word for over,” she whispered to herself, and accidently bumping into someone and landing flat on her backside. “Fan-fucking-tastic.”  
  
“Language Granger, there are children around,” a smooth and slightly hated voice said. Hermione groaned as she looked up. There, dressed in a sleek Italian Armani suit, no dress robes and looking fucking good, was holier-than-thou-Draco-fucking-Malfoy.  
  
Grinning at her like a cat...  
  
...and not helping her up.  
  
“Hello to you too, Malfoy,” she responded, picking up the few things that had fallen out of her bag. He lent down in front of her and picked up her article. “Uh...please...”  
  
“Sex like a man?” Draco read, his eyebrows perking up. “Reading sexy material to make your life seem better?”  
  
“No, I’m not.” She brushed the dust off her perfectly white dress- not white anymore- and sighed. “Fucking goddammit, I’m gonna be late. I have to go, Malfoy, even though I would love to stay here and argue with you.”  
  
Draco grinned at her again and handed her the article. “I read it every week. For laughs. To see what the young women of this town think of us blokes. You write good, Granger,” he said, making Hermione stop. She looked up at him, in his sexy grey eyes and then smiled, “You read my column?”  
  
“Every week. Mind you, HG isn’t a hard name to figure out. Last week’s article “How to fake it, without him knowing?” Kinda helped me break-up with my  
last girlfriend.”  
  
“Really? How?” she asked, now very interested in the ex-Slytherin.  
  
He grinned and said “I'm just one of those weird male aberrations who prefers to be married. I like stability, I like routine. I am NOT however one of those guys who likes the girl who is under him while he is FUCKING her to be faking it. Knowing when she is faking it makes my job easier. So I suppose I should say thankyou.”  
  
“Strange, never picked you for the marrying type, Malfoy?”  
  
“Maybe you don’t know me that well then?”  
  
A slight grin between them happened before Hermione remembered why she was going in that direction. “Crap, have to go.”  
  
She spun on her heel and started running down the street leaving a very amused Malfoy in her wake.  
  
  
  
 _Once upon a time in a kingdom far away a certain man and a slightly less certain woman kept bumping into one another. They seemed to meet everywhere. On street corners...at parties.  
  
It was almost as if they were dating accidentally. And then, after another chance meeting...they decided to pick a time to bump into each other on purpose._  
  
  
  
Three days past and Hermione had bumped into Draco another four times, twice in one day. The first time she had been with Pansy and when the two had seen each other, Pansy erupted in screams and almost tackled him to the ground.  
  
“Draco....I didn’t know you were back. Italy must miss you,” she cooed, kissing his cheek sweetly. She wants to fuck him so bad, Hermione thought. “I missed you.”  
  
“Missed you too Pansy. How you been?”  
  
“Making new friends,” she responded, linking arms with Hermione. The girls were dressed in the latest Clare Tough collection and looked like a spring day. Draco eyed them, eyes settling on Hermione’s shoes- a pair of Suede and leather ankle boots by Chloe.  
“I see. Someone with interesting fashion sense too. I met her you know- Gaby Aghion. Beautiful woman, gave me some shoes to give to my mother. “  
  
“You met Gaby Aghion?” Hermione asked, slightly shocked, “You met Gaby Aghion? A muggle shoemaker?”  
  
“Well, yeah.”  
  
“Pansy, I think I’m gonna faint.”  
  
The two had left Draco then, muttering something about needed to get Pansy to her next sex scheduled moment. Hermione left Pansy at a hotel attached to a young man who spoke fluent French.  
  
That night, Pansy sent her a letter by owl saying “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, he was good.”  
  
The next day, she was with Ginny, shopping for baby ware. Draco had stepped out of a shoe store across the street as Hermione stepped out of the baby store. Ginny grinned when she seen him cross the street, hearing all morning from Hermione about the meetings.  
  
“Morning ladies,” he said, looking at Ginny’s belly, “Nice gut Potter.”  
  
“Fuck you asshole,” Ginny said, grinning. A mutual agreement of friendship between Draco and Harry had happened just after the War and as the wife of Harry, Ginny had agreed to it.  
  
“Morning Granger. Anymore sexy articles in the works?”  
  
“Maybe one about how guys take so long to come,” she responded, smiling at him as she began to walk away.  
  
“Now now, no need to be nasty. Just starting general chatter,” he said, falling into step behind her and Ginny waddling behind them like a duck.  
  
“What do you want Malfoy? I don’t see you for almost four years and then three times in two days.”  
  
“Tell you what,” he said, “I’ll leave now. But if I see you again tomorrow, I’m going to ask you to dinner. So you can tell me some more about these articles?”  
  
“What? Why would I want to have dinner with a pompous pig like you?” she snapped back.  
  
He grinned and left them standing there on the street without answering.  
  
“Did he just-?”  
  
“Yep. Now hurry up and take me home. My feet hurt and I’m fat. Not a very happy lady at the moment.”  
  
  
  
 _Year after year, 20-something women come to England in search of the two L 's: Labels and love. Having gotten the knack for labels early, I concentrated on my search for love. Turns out, a knockoff is not as easy to spot when it comes to love. Until it is. That is why you need help to spot them. Lots of help. Turns out when that big love comes along, it's not always easy._  
  
  
  
“Fuck,” Hermione said, throwing the paper down on the table at the pub. Luna sat in front of her, stirring her drink with a straw. “That sounds like crap. I’m losing my writing, Luna.”  
  
“Maybe you just need to have sex? Sex always seems to clear my head.”  
  
“That’s because you have a cock in your ass, your cunt and your mouth every night.”  
  
Luna chuckled and then her eyebrows rose. Hermione knew that look.  
  
‘No, no, no, no, no,’ she thought, holding her head in her hands.  
  
“Good afternoon, ladies,” that voice came.  
  
“Hello Draco,” responded Luna, smiling, “Who’s your friend?” Hermione turned and seen a blonde haired girl attached to Draco’s arm.  
  
“Hi... I’m Lisa.”  
  
Draco held his chin up high as Hermione looked at the pair. She was younger than them, about nineteen, and wearing fake everything. A fake pair of boobs, a fake smile, her fake red nails almost digging into Draco’s arm and her fake labelled clothes pissed Hermione off the most.  
  
Spotting her handbag, a Julie quilted leather tote by Marc Jacobs, Lisa grinned,  
“Oooh.... is that a Vera Wang?” Hermione giggled on the inside and nodded, to keep herself sane. “So pretty.”  
  
“Must be going. Have a meeting. Luna, I’m sure Draco and Lisa will listen to your orgy story?” Draco looked shocked when Hermione said that but watched the girl leave the pub and sat down as Lisa quirked “What’s a orgy, Drakie?”  
  
  
  
 _Men date bimbos to make women they love jealous._  
  
  
  
“So, here are the details of the interview. He’ll have you sit in an office and you’ll be blindfolded, to protect his identity. He likes to be a silent partner in a lot of his business deals. Use a Quick-Quotes Quill so it picks up everything. You have to be at this address by 6pm tonight. Are you ready for this, Hermione?”  
  
Hermione nodded and breathed in.  
  
Crap  
  
  
  
 _Big was the best was to describe the man that I met..._  
  
  
  
Hermione: Hello Mr.... Big. Can I just call you Big?  
  
Big: If you want, and you Miss. Granger? Would you like me to call you Hermione?  
  
Hermione: How about I call you Big and you call me Hermione.  
  
Big: Agreed.  
  
Hermione: Okay... are you ready.  
  
Big: Yep.  
  
Hermione: Okay. Good evening everyone. This is HG, here with Big... the businessman who keeps secret from everyone. Mr Big has agreed to do an interview with me for the Daily Prophet and for my wonderful fans. Mr Big, sorry- Big, first things first, do you read my column?  
  
Big: Yes actually, I do. Every week. Its very interesting.  
  
Hermione: That’s interesting. So would you say that you are very open about your sex life?  
  
Big: Mostly. Being married and divorced in the space of not even a year kinda breaks that spark.  
  
Hermione: Really. So you don’t believe in love then?  
  
Big: I do actually.  
  
Hermione: Have you ever been in love?  
  
Big: Abso-fucking-lutly.  
  
Hermione: And your sex life? I don’t suppose you can tell us of your most dirtiest fetish?  
  
Big: I suppose I can, for your wonderful dirty minded fans. (laughs) I recently started having dreams about this young woman- brunette, fucking hot and attitude like a fire cat. These dreams, well, fantasies, I imagine doing very wrong things to her.  
  
Hermione: Like what?  
  
Big: She wears these outfits and I can just imagine the underwear she has on- or maybe even lack thereof. I imagine pulling her panties down with my teeth, kissing up her legs, latching myself onto her hot cunt and sucking and licking until she comes.  
  
Hermione: That’s not too dirty.  
  
Big: That’s the start.  
  
  
  
Hermione took in a breath as the man in front of her continued his sexy story, the entire time she imagined he was doing it to her.  
  
  
  
  
Big: I would then make my way up her legs, kissing the smooth skin as I go until I reach those perfect pert nipples, you know, the ones she hides under that perfect shirt.  
  
Hermione: I know what you mean. Please continue.  
  
Big: After giving both tarts some love, the kisses would lead to her mouth and the caressing would start, hands on legs, in her smooth shaven cunt.... Hmm..., Miss. Granger, I seem to have gotten quite... indisposed.  
  
Hermione: Pardon. I don’t seem to understand-  
  
  
  
  
But Hermione couldn’t finish, as he had suddenly jumped out of his chair and fallen between her legs, lifting her skirt and kissing her legs. Hermione gasped, loving the feeling of it all.  
  
“Mr...Mr Big...., I-I can’t,” she whispered, wishing she could see what he looked like. His kisses touched next to her underwear and she moaned as his tongue teased her.  
  
“Yes you can... Granger.” Suddenly, Hermione knew all to well, who this Mr. Big was and who was now between her legs.  
  
“Malfoy!”  
  
“I told you that you owed me dinner, Granger.” With that one sentence, he pulled her underwear aside and delved straight in, making Hermione moan loudly.  
  
  
  
 _Dear Poppy,  
  
It is with a heavy heart that I must leave The Daily Prophet. I don’t think that my skills for writing are being fully enhanced enough through your paper. I do wish, however, to thank you very much for your help over the last few years working with you. You have been an inspiration to me and have only helped me grow as a writer.  
  
Love HG  
  
P.S. The interview with Mr. Big is in closed. He was pretty boring._  
  
  
  
 _To Whom It May Concern,  
  
My name is Hermione Granger and I have been a writer at the Daily Prophet for the last couple of years. During this time I have written a number of articles based on female life and sex and have realised my potential as a writer. Enclosed with this letter is a copy of my book, Sex in the Wizarding World, which I hope you enjoy.  
  
The interview is with my now partner, Draco Malfoy, whom I know you are all familiar with as he is a very powerful businessman.  
  
I hope to hear from you soon,  
  
Hermione Granger_  
  
  
  
They had moved into a small apartment together not long after they had started dating. Draco said it was something he needed to do, get away from all the memories at his parent’s house. It was while they were moving that Draco had found her work in progress novel and had encouraged her to try and publish it. He had even allowed their final interview to be the final piece of the puzzle.  
  
Hermione had been a little uneasy about publishing her works but was persuaded enough by Draco to send it in. Three weeks later she received a letter from the publishers and a copy of her novel, Sex in the Wizarding World, which now lay forgotten about on the bedroom floor as Draco made love to her over her triumph at getting her novel published.  
  
  
  
 _Sex in the Wizarding World  
  
By Hermione Jean Granger  
  
I dedicate this collection of works to some very special people  
  
Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood and Pansy Parkinson - my friends.  
  
Draco Malfoy- my encouragement.  
  
In the pages of this novel you will find a collection of articles from my time at The Daily Prophet on women’s rights, sexual matters and anything to do with fashion. I very much hope you all enjoy this collection of works and have a very special interview at the end._  
  
  
  
END

**Author's Note:**

> I know it kinda jumped around a bit but the initial message of Big and Carrie’s relationship is hopefully kinda explained. I didn’t want to make the whole story just about sex and making out because Big and Carrie (and Draco and Hermione) aren’t like that. Reviews and comments are loved and enjoyed. No spam or negative comments without reasoning, please.


End file.
